Crack for the cast
by KavanLostWings
Summary: A crack drabble series challenge, mainly featuring KanaZero: "Did you know, I once dreamt I was a duck?" Zero sighed, massaging his temples, "Did you know, I really don't give a damn?"
1. Can You Pitch A Tent?

I was challenged by a very important person to me to do a set of Crack/Comedy based drabbles for the Vampire Knight series, so here it is.

Most of these will have implied, or straight out Kanazero, in them but some will not. I'll take requests for drabbles, considering this is just a project for fun on the side of my actual stories.

All of these will be short, some longer than others, some not.

This particular drabble is based off a spoof I saw on youtube, I'd highly recommend watching it.

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Drabble one: Can you pitch a tent?

Warning: OOCNESS, profanity, impled Kaname x Zero.

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Zero Kiryu hated his life with a passion, but never more so than at that moment. And the reason was blatantly obvious as he stared heatedly at the man across from him.

Kaname fucking Kuran.

"Kiryu, do you plan on drilling holes through my head the entire evening?"

The voice of the pureblood was grating on his already fried nerves, and not wanting to grant that bastard the luxury of an answer, Zero just continued to castrate him with his gaze. His eyes stabbing into the garnet orbs with brutal anger.

Kaname just stared back, the air thick with bitterness that could be cut with a knife.

"..."

Silence bloomed between them as they both patiently waited for Yuuki and the Chairman to arrive at the meeting that was 'of dire importance'. Yet both of them could conveniently be a good twenty minutes late. Dire importance his ass!

Another minute ticked passed, and Zero was getting fed up. Clenching his hand into a fist, Zero used every ounce of will power not to just storm from the room. The pureblood's scent was sickening, and every minute he sat there, enduring the bastard's scent, the more he wanted to punch a wall. He could practically taste the man's arrogance, that no good…

He took a forced swig of the drink left on the end table by his chair, courteously left there by his lunatic of a caretaker.

Yuuki better hurry up or he was going to-

"Kiryu, have you ever done a cock push up?"

Zero's lips projected a splash of juice, his eyes enlarging to the size of saucers as he tried to stop his coughing fit. With a hand nestled on his aching throat, Zero gave Kaname a look of pure disbelief. "Have I ever done a _**what**_?"

"A cock push up. Do I truly need to repeat myself?"

Time froze, and Zero just stared at the pureblood as if he had grown another head, which he may as well have just done.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Zero replied, while Kaname merely stared at him casually as if they were discussing the damn weather. Then the guy had the audacity to shrug, as if there was nothing completely and utterly wrong with what he just asked.

Silence became apparent between them much more, and this time Zero focused his gaze on the wall.

But a nagging thought wouldn't leave his mind…Zero scowled.

"…What the hell is a cock push up anyway?"

Kaname glossed his gaze over at him from the corner of his eyes, the wine colored globes not revealing a single emotion that could betray his thoughts. That annoying mask held firmly in place. Zero waited for him to answer, the scowl deepening on his face.

"It's where you lift yourself up with the power of your erection."

Zero blinked and unashamedly gaped at the pureblood, "what?!"

Kaname smirked, his eyes suddenly filled with amusement and Zero's stomach plummeted to his knees.

"I could demonstrate if you desire?"

A loud bang was heard outside the door of the office, along with an enraged yell.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

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Ten minutes later, Yuuki walked into the room, her eyes widening as she stared at her childhood friend. "Eh, where's Kaname-senpai?"

"Don't know, don't care."

Blinking again, she took in his appearance, concern flashing in her eyes. "Zero, why is your face all red?"

Fighting back his blush at the memory of Kuran standing up with a proud tent in his pants, Zero growled, "Yuuki, shut up."

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**Author's note: **Any feedback is welcome; this is strictly being written because I cannot back down from a challenge, alongside my own entertainment and the reader's.


	2. No Such Thing As Privacy

Drabble Two: No Such Thing As Privacy.

Warnings: None.

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Zero's fingers curled around a pencil as he began to do his homework. The sound of the lead scraping over the paper sounding in his room as he worked diligently. This was all he had left to do before he was home free for the next 96 hours.

Cross Academy was having its annual holiday season, in which the students were free to spend the holidays at home, rather than being stuck in the building away from their family. With a few days off school, Zero simply decided to relax in his room after he finished his work, not having anything better to do.

Hours passed as he simply lay sprawled across his bed, reading a book.

When he was on the fifth page, he heard a strange noise on his floor. Raising a brow, he peeked over the side of his bed.

And face planted on the ground in shock.

Kaname's face was popped out from beneath his bed, his face heavily bored, "You are a very dull existence."

"GET OUT MY ROOM!"

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**Author's Note: **I originally had a different drabble up for the second one, but I decided that one would be drabble four. I was pleasantly surprised by how many people liked this little series, and I hope it continues to please. Enjoy.


	3. A Day In The Life Of A Prefect

Drabble three: A day in the life of a prefect.

Warnings: Movie reference, Yuuki Cross dorkiness, humiliated Zero.

**Warning for LuanRina:** Rumor is, you hate Yuuki. X'D So you may hate this because this drabble centers around her, or you may like it because you can make fun of her. Either way, I warned you.

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They were at it again.

Yuuki could easily see from her spot in the foliage surrounding the campus, that Idol-senpai and Zero were having a showdown. At the current moment, Zero and Adiou were staring at each other, both looking ready to pounce at any given moment. Her gaze flickered downward, and she saw the ground begin to form into ice, Adiou was going to make the first move! With concern bubbling in her heart, Yuuki refused to let that happen.

Dashing forward into the clearing, Yuuki flipped out the Artemis Rod with a jerk of her fingers, the long pole barging into the area between Adiou and Zero. She narrowed her deep brown eyes at the blonde haired vampire, a firm look in her eyes as she bared her weapon at the night class student attempting to harm her best friend. As the protector of the day class and everything the chairman stood for, she would never allow that to happen!

"It is against school rules to fight on school grounds and for the Nightclass to be wandering around at night! As the school prefect, I ask you to return to your dorm immediately."

The blonde haired noble stared at her as if she was an idiot, but Yuuki held her ground, before he could speak, she suddenly had a brilliant idea, "If you don't leave now, I'll go get Kaname-senpai and the chairman!" Thrusting her weapon a tad closer to him, which earned her a surprised glance from Zero, she continued, "I doubt that they'll be happy! This is the third time this week you've broken the rules!"

Giving her a harsh glare, Adiou retorted, "Your friend needs to learn some respect for Kaname-sama! It's intolerable and—"

"And you should respect the rules of Cross Academy! I won't ask again." The entire she spoke, all she could feel was Zero's gaze boring into her back, but he hadn't said a word.

After a moment, Adiou finally grumbled before stalking away angrily, muttering insults towards Zero and herself the entire way, which she casually ignored and Zero merely scoffed at.

The moment he was gone, her world became colored with glitter and rainbows, "did you see that Zero! I got him to go back all by my—"

Stopping halfway through her sentence, Yuuki deflated as her eyes met the sight of Zero's back, promptly moving away from her. That Jerk! Jogging to catch up with him, she glared. "Hey, Zero, you can't just walk away like that! We're partners!"

The boy continued walking, his hands in his pockets, and Yuuki full blown pouted, before continuing as if he had responded, "we're like…." She ventured off, trying to think of just how to describe her and Zero.

Yuuki pursed her lips before a light dipped into her eyes, the perfect answer flying into her head. Then she was suddenly sprinting past Zero and attacking a tree, her Artemis suspended away from her body as she murmured in a low tone, "We are the men in black."

Zero stopped dead in his tracks, did she seriously just? "The men in black? Those guys who hunt aliens?"

"Yup!"

Zero just stared. Finally, he gathered the courage to ask, "why?"

"Cause we're super cool like that." She stated with a snap of her fingers, and to emphasize her point, she gave the defenseless tree a sharp kick.

Zero decided at that moment, as he walked away from the absurd sight of Yuuki twirling around her weapon like a wannabe ninja and kicking the forest, that he was banning her from movies. For life.

"Ow!" He heard her shriek after a loud thump sounded.

While he was at it, he was changing his name and moving out of town.

Unbeknownst to Zero, a certain Pureblood was having similar thoughts as he watched as his human changed little sister made a complete and utter fool of herself from the windowpane. 

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**Author's Note: **I hope you all enjoyed this.


	4. Rubber Ducks and Purebloods Don't Mix

Drabble four: Rubber Ducks and Purebloods don't mix.

Warnings: Weird Kaname, slight oocness, implied: Kaname x Zero.

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Zero was higher on his guard than usual, his amethyst gems laced with suspicion as he saw the gates to the moon dorms open. Instantly his gaze landed on the night class president, who proudly began to lead the horde of blood sucking leeches down the path.

Now, normally Zero wouldn't have bothered to watch the brunette so closely, despite his status and pissy attitude, Zero knew Kaname wasn't idiotic enough to cause a scene, especially during the class changeover. But lately, the Pureblood had been acting…strange, for lack of better word.

His mind flashed to three nights ago, when he had been making his routine rounds.

_A graceful creature stepped out from the cover of the trees to block his past, and Zero frowned._

_"You're not supposed to be out here, Kuran." He stated in a dull manner before turning his back to the male, heading in the direction opposite the pureblood._

_Yet before he could get far, Kaname had his back slammed up against a tree._

_Instantly, Zero's hand reached for his gun, Blood Rose, but before his fingers could touch to handle, his wrist was captured, joining his back among the bark._

_"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Zero demanded, Kaname's eyes staring into his without humor._

_"Did you know, I once dreamt I was a duck?"_

_Zero stared at the man holding him captive with his brows furrowed, then the other released him and stepped back._

_"It was a rather…revealing dream."_

_Kuran had gone off the deep end._

_Scoffing, Zero massaged his temples in annoyance, before storming towards his dorm room, "did you know, I don't give a_ damn."

To top it off, that hadn't been the end of it, since that night, Zero kept repeating that damn phrase to him and he couldn't fathom why? He was seriously starting to think he was in the middle of a highly childish prank, or perhaps out of the loop of an inside joke. Either way, Kuran was messing with his head, and he was another day away from just killing the beast, be damned the consequences.

"Kyahh!" Suddenly Zero was pulled from his musings, the massive crowd of girls surrounding the area squealed in delight as the vampires they worshipped passed them by, masses of black uniforms bouncing around in hopes of catching the eye of their respective senpai. It made Zero want to vomit, if only they knew that the 'people' they were trying so hard to impress, were actually creatures from their worst nightmares. Beasts that would kill them without remorse.

_'Let's see how excited they are then.'_

Pressing his lips into a firm line, Zero felt a presence trying to sneak past him while he watched Yuuki struggle to hold back the wave of females. Turning his head to glare down at the girl over his shoulder, Zero let his aggravated aura seep out to pin the girl in her tracks. With wide eyes, she stared up at him and Zero snarled in a viperous calm voice, "Get back in line, now."

With tears in her eyes, the girl scrambled back in line, not even waiting for Zero to finish his order.

A familiar chuckle sounded from a startlingly close proximity.

Alert, and ready to shoot Kuran in the face at a moment's notice, Zero moved his eyes forward, to see Kaname standing right before him, looking as impeccable as always. Damn Pureblood. "You're scary as always, Kiryu-kun." The other greeted him, much to his annoyance.

"What do you want, Kuran?" Zero growled out, hearing the whispers about how he was a jerk from Kaname's little admirers, but he didn't give a rat's ass.

Kaname grew a hint of a simper on his lips, and Zero shivered in distaste. He didn't approve of being on the receiving end of that man's smile.

And he certainly didn't approve of how the brunette was leaning towards him, invading his personal space. Forcing himself to stand still in order to not give the bastard any satisfaction of getting a reaction out of him, Zero sharpened his eyes into blades, glaring harshly. "If you've got nothing to say, get to class."

The man simply let out his melodious chuckle again, and Zero went to step back, but a strong hand gripped his shoulder, holding him in place. Zero felt his eye twitch, and he went to slap the hand away, but a warm breath on the shell of his ear had him freezing in place, his lilac orbs widening. The warmth ghosting over his silver piercings.

"Did you know I once dreamt I was a duck?"

_Not this shit again_,

"You've only said it five times in the last three days." Zero retorted heatedly before he took a step back.

Kaname followed, giving him no room to breathe.

"If I was a duck like I had dreamt," _what was with this guy?_, "would you like to play with me in the tub?"

_What?_

"Because I'd let you play with me all you desired, Kiryu-kun."Zero jerked backwards, blinking once, twice, and then he opened his mouth to yell at the pompous asshole Yuuki had an obsession with._  
_

Too bad for him, Kaname was already walking away, his white day class uniform receding from his view as the Pureblood resumed the march down the path, a small smirk flashing across his mouth as a warning before he was gone. The other members of the day class either glared at him or looked between them in confusion before following their leader.

Zero growled under his breath, hate oozing from his pores and a scarlet blush painting the tips of his ears.

"Eh, what was the about?" One of the braver Day Class girls attempted to ask, and for her efforts, she was granted with the horrifying image of a silver haired demon rounding on her, his lilac eyes stabbing her with rage.

"EVERYONE BACK TO THE DORMS NOW!"

"KYAAH?!"

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_Water dripped down the contours of a man's chiseled chest, the drops of liquid sparkling down past the flawless flesh in rivulets as the man rose to his feet. The skin, drawn tight with muscle and power, rippled closer with a sway of hips gliding through the knee high water. His breath hitched, fingers, warm with the steam blanketing them with a lover's gentle kiss, brushed over his lips. And he looked up, peering into a very familiar face as dark wine orbs sealed away his protests with animalistic desire. Brown locks, damp and easy to fist between his fingers, coming to mold into his silver bangs as the man rested his forehead against his._

_He groaned, placing his hands on the man's broad shoulders, "Kuran…"_

_A moist tongue trailed along the outer shell of his ear, and his body shivered._

_"Did you know, I once dreamt I was a duck?"_

_Zero blinked._

Zero's eyes snapped open with horror, a very prominent problem in his pants causing his face to shift in mortification.

_GOD DAMMIT!_

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**Author's note:** The reviews for this little series are great and are actually pretty funny, I'm glad you all enjoy this.


	5. Lips Like Sugar

Drabble Five: Lips like Sugar.

Warnings: OOC, perversion.

Disclaimer: Don't own nothin'.

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A long pink tongue, curled playfully around the edges of a large rainbow colored lollipop, sliding over the slick sides. Another flick of the moist muscle, and a shiver was sent down someone's spine.

The glistening wetness on enticing lips became apparent when the boy pulled the treat from his mouth with an audible "pop".

Then the candy disappeared behind a pale mouth again, a strong jaw shifting with each languid suck.

"Is there a reason you have to eat like _**that**_?"

The lollipop was dragged from the cavern once more to push past wet lips and kiss the air in greeting. "If you've got a problem with how I eat, then don't look." Zero stated in an aggravated tone, while electric lilac hues swirled with dark promises turned Kaname's way.

Kaname had to force himself to breathe properly.

Zero's sinfully full lips twisted into an unamused scowl, the tip of his tongue flicking across a bright red swirl. Kaname's eyes were automatically drawn to the sight. _This was a whole new kind of torture. _

Averting his gaze from the sugary coated treat on the receiving end of Kiryu's attention, Kaname met Zero's…amused…gaze. "I heard from Yuuki that you didn't like sweets."

"I don't."

_THEN WHY-_

Kaname narrowed his eyes, "I see."

The conversation was left at that, and the Pureblood directed his gaze towards the window, promptly ignoring the prefect who was leaned against a wall adjacent to him.

Or so, he did until another wet pop sounded.

Shooting Zero a rather annoyed glare, Kaname opened his mouth to tell the Level D to kindly stop eating his piece of candy so loudly, when he lost his voice.

Zero had the treat pressed against his lips, pushing it deep into his mouth to swirl his tongue completely around it. Pulling it in and out his mouth every few seconds.

_Did Zero even realize how good he looked right now?_

A particularly hard shove had Kaname fidgeting subtly in his seat. Heat was pooling in his body

Then Zero met his eyes… and bit down on the lollipop, hard.

**Crunch.**

The loud noise made Kaname flinch in disbelief, his normally masked expression full of shock.

And this time there was no mistaking it, a cruel smirk was curled on Zero's lips before he swiftly left the room, the sound of the once whole lollipop crunching against his teeth echoing in Kaname's ears while the other receded down the hall.

That male would be his ruin.

Sliding his hand through his hair, Kaname gave the throbbing in his pants an annoyed look.

"I blame you."

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**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed this, and hey, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to shoot them at me cause my brain only has so many.


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